Everquest Noob Story

The world outside THF..
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Grey
Posts: 1101

Everquest Noob Story

Post#1 » Wed Feb 08, 2012 11:50 am

So there I was.....minding my own business in The Overthere, when all of a sudden I see the message: "d00d
sow plz".

Of course, my natural instinct was not to answer, since I thought the clueless newb (hereafter referred to
politely as "the petitioner") must have been poorly informed at best.

Boy was I ever wrong.

I switch out of 1st person into an external camera, and what did my wandering eyes behold? Only myself and
the petitioner.

So I says to myself...."Self? You need to edumacate this fella!"

(Keep in mind what the overall setting looked like: There I was, in skeleton form, carrying a scythe, FLOATING
IN MIDAIR IN A MEDITATING POSITION, with a LARGE dark-brown skeleton named "Gibober" standing behind
me. Ummm....No, skippy, I'm not a druid or a shaman.)

I say "Wish I could, bro, but I don't have SoW. I'm a Necromancer."

The Petitioner says, "$#*&@#$ dick, sow me already! it's for a cr"

Feeling as if my feathers had been ruffled a bit, I do a "/who all dumbass" (um..pardon..I meant "/who all
petitioner")

This is where I discovered the "/who all" bug. Certainly it must have been a bug, right? There's NO WAY IN
CREATION the dumbas...err...petitioner could have been a level 31 Dark Elf Wizard, right???? RIGHT????? /em
begins to cry like a little girl.

Well, needless to say, I couldn't have been any more shocked than if my pet began dancing an Irish Jig. I
quickly begin the arduous task of maintaining my composure, while deciding how best to deal with this tricky
situation.

I say, "Necromancer's can't cast SoW".

Petitioner says, "Bull@#$%! you cast a spell while you were running and you sped up! i couldn't catch you
until you sat down! if you're not going to sow me just say so you dont have to be a dick about it a$$hole"

Yes I know....he didn't use any punctuation in that last sentence.

I say, "I have JBoots."

He says, "what are they"

Before I have a chance to pick my chin up off the floor....

Petitioner asks, "can you buff my hps my hp sux"

I say, "I can't buff you, dude. I'm a necromancer. I only have one buff that you would probably want."

He says, "yeah the one you won't give me dick"

Ok. Time to have fun with the hopelessly clueless.

I say, "Why do you need a sow?"

He says, "i need to get to burned woods to hunt. sumbody said its perfect for my level"

Yep. That's what he said......"burned woods".

I say, "man are you ever in the wrong place."

He says, "?"

Apparently he found the "question mark" key conveniently located nearby other various and sundry
communication facilitators.

I didn't answer him.

He repeats, "??"

Found it twice...good for him.

He repeats, "???"

Having an IQ greater than plantlife, I sensed a pattern forming.

I say, "You are NO WHERE near Burned Woods."

He says, "my friend told me it was in kunark"

I say, "Yeah, the operative word there is 'WAS'. There was a major patch a couple of months ago after a
bunch of complaints were filed about 'static content'."

He says, "?"

I say, "!"

He says, "?"

I say, ","

He says, "wtf"

I say, "no, already have some."

He says, "????"

I don't respond.

He says, "so where the @#$% is burned woods"

He lost the question mark button again. Probably popped off when he was sniffing his feet.

I say, "Well, THIS week it's south of Freeport. It changes with every patch, since they began randomizing
zone locations."

My guild is hysterical at this point. And I haven't even told them the ENTIRE story yet. Just snippets.

He says, "@#$% i just got off the boat"

I say, "You don't need the boat."

He says "why"

I say, "You're a wizard!"

He says, "how you know that"

I say, "I did a /wh...nevermind....the important thing is you have teleportation spells."

He says, "oh yeah the green ones"

I nod.

I say, "Yep. The 'green ones'. Pretty nice how you have them grouped by color."

He says, "thx"

I say, "How'd you think about doing it that way?"

He says, "they were all @#$%## up when i got this char"

I say, "Sit down and mem the spell 'Fay Gate'."

He says, "why"

Question mark key is on the ground in front of your chair, guy. Mixed in with your collection of boogers.

I say, "It's going to put you within spitting distance of Burned Woods."

He says, "how do you know"

I say, "All patch messages come with a zone connection map."

He says, "oh"

I say, "Ok. You have it memmed now?"

He had just stood up after what I assumed was meditating/looking at his spell book.

He says, "yeah"

I say, "Ok. Cast the spell and let me know when you get there."

Dumba...errr....Petitioner begins to cast a spell.

A LONG time goes by.....ok, maybe 5 minutes
I still haven't heard from him.

Getting curious:

I tell petitioner, "Are you there yet?"

No reply. No reply at all. [Yes, I'm a Genesis fan... ]

Obviously he's there, or my tell wouldn't have gone through.

I tell petitioner, "Hit the 'r' key to reply to me."

He replies, "i'm here now where do i go."

Right idea....wrong punctuation mark. Oh well. "C" for effort.

I tell petitioner, "Ok, do you see a hotkey on the screen that says 'Sense Heading'?"

He replies, "no"

I reply, "Hit the arrow buttons one by one until you see one."

It was a guess, but an educated one.

He replies, "found it"

I reply, "Click on it."

He replies, "north"

I reply, "Ok, you need to head east along the path. Keep going until the path turns north. When it forks to the
right, take the right fork."

He replies, "ok"

Who knows, maybe the guy who sold his account on Ebay worked his Felwithe faction up.

He replies, "sumbody told me i shouldnt be here cause i'm a dark elf"

I reply, "They were roleplaying."

He replies, "oh hehe @#$%@#$ morons ;P"

Priceless. Utterly priceless, I tell you.

I reply, "Where are you?"

He replies, "i see something now. looks like a castle"

I reply, "Run into the castle as fast as you can. The guards might give you some trouble, just keep running."

Yeah...damned conscience started kicking in.

A fairly long period of time passes. Not sure how long, but longer than I was expecting.

I tell petitioner, "What happened?"

As if I didn't know....

He replies, "my spells are gone!"

I reply, "What happened?"

He replies, "i died why"

I reply, "Oh man! Did I tell you to run east or west?"

He replies, "east wtf???"

I reply, "Yikes. My bad. You should have run west."

He replies, "?"

I reply, "So where are you now?"

He replies, "how can i tell"

I reply, "Look right after you see 'Loading please wait'. It should tell you 'You have entered [zone]'."

He replies "it doesnt say [zone] there."

After smacking my head against my monitor....

I reply, "What does it say in place of [zone]?".

Get this....

He replies, "Burning Woods"

I nearly fell out of my chair! I couldn't have PLANNED it that way!

He replies, "is that the same as burned woods"

I reply, "No, but you're close. Start running south so you can get your corpse back."

He replies, "i have to get my corpse back?????"

/ignore petitioner


Moral of the story: EBay...Just Say No!

Out of sheer curiosity, I took him off ignore later to find out what happened.

I tell petitioner, "How's it going?"

He replies, "wtf? where you been"

I reply, "been afk, sorry."

He replies, "got my corpse back. some dude rezzed me."

My conscience somewhat eased...

I reply, "Really? Cool! Where are you now?"

He replies, "iceclad ocean"

I scratch my head a few times.

I reply, "Why Velious?"

He replies, "the guy that rezzed me told me burned woods was in western wastes this week"

I don't recall exactly how long it took me to stop laughing. I stopped breathing shortly before my dog dialed
911.

He replied, "@#$%&* wouldnt sow me either. what is that sh#$ gold?"

That's what finally killed me. I'm writing this from the afterlife.

User avatar
Sian
Posts: 1369

Re: Everquest Noob Story

Post#2 » Wed Feb 08, 2012 2:35 pm

I started reading with a little smile and ended laughing my ass off ! Thanks a lot ! Reminds me the good old days. Well, not so old when you come to realize that not so long ago I managed to make someone do a /ex level to check how far was his next level :P

antihero
Posts: 577

Re: Everquest Noob Story

Post#3 » Wed Feb 08, 2012 7:45 pm

Hehe nice read!

You guys ever remember just starting out and having some super nice Magician hand you a Mod Rod? ;) Or folks falling out of the tree house to their death? Good times!
Antihero - Founder of <Dark Redemption>

Dark Redemption....Eating uber guild leftovers since 2010!

User avatar
Grey
Posts: 1101

Re: Everquest Noob Story

Post#4 » Wed Feb 08, 2012 8:00 pm

Sorry its double spaced like that. Its the original copy I made years upon years ago when it was first posted.
Had a nice conversation this morning and it lead into talking about old school eq so I wanted to post that.

Firenze
Posts: 886

Re: Everquest Noob Story

Post#5 » Wed Feb 08, 2012 9:02 pm

soo old , but stil fun :)

I didn't take time to read it again because I know it all by heart already
Firenze of VallonZek <Europea>

Gwynraven

User avatar
Grey
Posts: 1101

Re: Everquest Noob Story

Post#6 » Wed Feb 08, 2012 11:32 pm

The truly old school players remember it fondly.

Cedris
Posts: 17

Re: Everquest Noob Story

Post#7 » Thu Feb 09, 2012 4:39 am

Old school? pffft, you're not old school if you don't remember who
Skater Gnome was! Although I don't think he got as much exposure as the burned woods story.

Regardless, this still brings a smile on every time I see it posted somewhere.

BosCo
Posts: 131
Contact:

Re: Everquest Noob Story

Post#8 » Thu Feb 09, 2012 7:24 am

HAHAH funny for like the first 5 lines then it got old. Remember some people are new to EQ Live or EMu not really funny making fun of people that dont know the game. remember EVERYONE at one point was new, including you GREY, that asked dumbass question and continued on as they had no clue. I find no humor in this. Instead y not try to educate the young lad. Instead of making fun of him.. Shame on you.

PS
And i know at one point you did just that, before you became a dick on THF.
----------------------- Officer of SHATTERED ---------------------
Bosconan * Watchtower * Canary * Khoolmonk * Luthor * Manhunter

Droonkan
Posts: 107

Re: Everquest Noob Story

Post#9 » Thu Feb 09, 2012 7:46 am

<3 BosCo.

Don't think Grey was the OP. :P

Droonkan
Posts: 107

Re: Everquest Noob Story

Post#10 » Thu Feb 09, 2012 7:51 am

Cedris wrote:Old school? pffft, you're not old school if you don't remember who
Skater Gnome was!


Thank you for this! Had forgotten.

More at:

http://allthingsgnome.com/home/index.ph ... &Itemid=63

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